I'm 21 years old & have suffered from eating disorders since high school. It started with just weight obsession, wanting to lose a few, then more, then obsessing over maintaining after losing, resulting in a constant yo-yo lifestyle up until this point. I got to my lowest in the fall of 2010 with a weight of 110 at 5'5". I received only negative attention from my friends & family about my weight, which I tried to ignore because I personally liked the way I looked. I loved the feeling of wearing size 2 clothing for the first time in my life. I even made people believe that the weight loss was totally unintentional. But after a while, my parents began to threaten me with having to go to eating disorder specialists if I didn't gain weight & eat more than once a day. Basically, I did get sick of starving myself & of my family constantly talking about me behind my back, so I started eating again. Only once I did start again, I absolutely hated & could not stand that full feeling. Thus came the purging. Which then lead to bingeing and purging because of stress & feeling completely out of control. This has been going on pretty consistently for the past year. I've had 2-3 weeks at a time where I stop the purging, but once I see weight-gain (I never weigh myself unless I'm at the doctor), I start bingeing & purging again. I finally started working out again about a month again & have been feeling a bit better about myself, but daily depression is a hard thing to ward off without using b/p to cope. I also cannot stand the fact that I'm rapidly gaining weight (at least what it feels like). I try my absolute best to eat very healthily & to work out every day, but I just feel massive all the time when I don't purge. Whenever I don't throw up, I gain weight. I know this is the case because since last year, I've put on 35 pounds. I visited the doctor yesterday & I am currently at my highest weight, 147 at 5'5". It's been eating away at me ever since. But since I'm dead-set on recovery & desperate to get these demons out of me, I'm not going to do something stupid like starve myself. I know that that will only last a day & then it will backfire super hard. At this point, I am in desperate need of some support. I need someone to talk to who's been through ALL of the ups & downs of anorexia & bulimia & can just be there as a mentor to me. Even just for me to occasionally email or text when I'm having a really bad day, or when I'm having a particularly good day & I'd like to share my excitement with someone who can keep me motivated. I know that this life is worth living, but most days I have a hard time believing it because of this prison that I'm in. It's hard to believe that I can actually get out unless I have someone to talk to who can actually relate. If there is anyone out there reading this who would just like to be my friend-like mentor, please help.

Thank you.