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Okay, darlin'. Here's your problem. I don't know whether these are poem lines or lines of prose, but they're certainly not paragraphs, and your syntax is really weird... like you just imagined the word you wanted, looked it up n a thesaurus, and replaced it. It doesn't work that way! Different words need different sentence structure. Also, is Quinn a girl? I assume so but obviously if I'm wrong, I'm wrong. ;) I'm also assuming they're brother and sister, but clearly there isn't enough evidence for that, lol.

Here's what I think you were trying to say. I'm going to word it really basically. "Rain hit the pavement, and Willie and Quinn's clothes stuck to their bodies. Every burst of wind made Willie's wound hurt. The bullet was visible and he imagined the wound wouldn't become infected. Suddenly, he fell to his knees, pain everywhere. Quinn threw her arm around Willie to help him stand up."

Here's how I, personally, would rephrase that to add imagery and that awesome stuff. "Rain pelted the sidewalk. Quinn and Willie were soaked to the bone, their saturated clothes a second skin. The wind hissed past their shoulders, and Willie winced--his still-fresh wound grated in the gall. He felt it with his fingers, felt the rounded top of the bullet and the tender broken flesh. He trusted it wouldn't become infected, but he couldn't be sure. Suddenly he fell to his knees, and Quinn let out a shriek. She leaned against her brother and helped him to his feet. She couldn't see his tears--the rain was too persistent to tell--but she was sure he was crying. She swallowed her fear and continued on into the thunderstorm, supporting her brother with her everything."

Yeah, so obviously that's really different from yours. And you don't have to use it--in fact, don't, haha, since it's clearly not your style--but you should take a few lessons from it. First, I find it's way easier to write in past tense, although that's sort of a stylistic choice. Second, don't use crazy vocab. Be clear and concise, and add emotion. You're only thirteen, so I don't think you're an idiot or a terrible writer! These are just some tips to make your writing more relatable to other people... and understandable. If you want to, I'd love to see it when it's done. Email me!

It's okay to look for strong words in your writing--but what weakens your writing significantly is that you aren't making CHOICES with the words. You're using everything without editing for succinctness and strength of language and redundancies. An example of how I might edit your work:

"Driving rain splattered violently from the evenings atmosphere atop the slates,

as both Willie's and Quinn's attire held fast about their figures."

Rain splattered atop the slates and soaked Willie's and Quinn's clothes against their skin.

Also, make sure the strong words you use make sense. Is "splatter" the right word? If they're metal slates, rain might "hammer" atop them or "drum" or "roar" or "thunder" etc. etc.

Using fancy-schmancy words doesn't make your writing sound smart. It makes you like like you're choking on a thesaurus. You obviously don't know the meaning of half of these words, because they make no sense. Instead of saying "I like pie" you're saying "I blow cheese" and yet expect it to make sense. Get a dictionary, honey.

Not only that, but these aren't paragraphs. They're barely even sentences. Mature a little bit, read a lot, and pay attention in English class, then get back to us.

Its like you ODed on a dictionary or used google translate

Bad - real bad

It doesn't really make any sense. And it isn't broken up into real paragraphs. A few run-ons too.....

Try saying this in ordinary language.

Those aren't paragraphs. And they suck! So critical!!

you should read composition and grammar books

answer mine - http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AqxNQ...