considering suicide...?

i'm really depressed for no rational reason whatsoever.

I've distanced myself from friends but i dont want to do it anymore because i'm afraid they're going to be misled by my intentions of withdrawal.

i have issues going on at home with my parents. there's a battle every day. i get discouraged to do anything outside of the house or to talk to anyone without putting on a mask.

yet there are times when i'm feeling back up to par and contact my friends for an outing or a mere phone call. Then i go back into my dark hole.

i need professional help. but i don't have the money for it. i want to take either painkillers or sleeping pills to the point where i vomit as an excuse to go to the hospital, then to be admitted to theraphy... i dont know any other plan

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