This is my query so far. I kept it short (250 words), but is it supposed to sound personal? Should it sound more specific?
I wrote it to give the agent my synopsis and bio of myself (which there is none for me) as directly as possible.
Dear Joe Bob,
Mark and his brother John Preston are exterminators, members of a government organization that hunts down dangerous indigenous organisms on a distant inhabited planet in the future. They soon find themselves entangled in a world of corruption and deception after stumbling upon a discovery that could lead to the destruction of mankind.
But this is not the only thing that troubles Mark. He is torn between his life with his brother and pursuing a new path as he confronts something his years of training by his widowed father never prepared him for: love.
Mark was not looking for love when he met Karen under dire circumstances, but an immediate spark snaps them together. Overwhelmed at first by her beauty, Mark has no idea about her past or what she is hiding from him. He soon discovers that her love comes with a price. A price that he may pay his life for.
As the trio finds themselves in danger from unidentified assailants, Mark unearths dark and sinister secrets about Karen that can topple one of the largest criminal empires in the galaxy, a secret that people will stop at nothing to secure. But while they try to survive, greater forces are brooding in the darkness…
The Darkness Rising is my first novel of a trilogy, finished at 58,000 words after several large cuts and revisions. It is a Science Fiction/Romance novel. I am sixteen.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Eric Dulin
Update:This is my new query. Does it sound better?
The Darkness Rising is my first novel of a planned trilogy, finished at 58,000 words after several large cuts and revisions. It is a Science Fiction/Romance novel.
Mark and his brother John are exterminators of Sector 7, a government organization that eliminates dangerous indigenous organisms on a distant inhabited planet. During a mission, they uncover a parasite, capable of transforming infected into creatures with intelligence beyond human ability or outright killing them in minutes. An ancient race known as the Ometrons developed the parasite to eradicate their nemeses and creators, the Arcadians, turning it against humans as both races fought in an eternal war over the fate of humanity.
Humanity has no idea about the great war, and Mark pays little heed to the seemingly feeble parasite as he confronts something his years of training by his widowed father never prepared him for: love. Mark was not looking for love when he met Karen o
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I don't know much about queries - or not about queries that grab an agent's attention, anyway - but the stuff about the story seems OK. You don't need to say anything about yourself. Until you're famous, nobody cares about the details of your personal life.
I'd put the paragraph about the title, genre and word count at the start. Mentioning genre and word count up-front tells the agent you've done your homework about what sort of manuscripts he might be looking for. More specific comments in [square brackets].
Mark and his brother John Preston ["Mark Preston and his brother John" is the more usual way of phrasing this] are exterminators, members of a government organization that hunts down dangerous indigenous organisms on a distant inhabited planet in the future. [Mightn't need "in the future", as "science fiction" and "distant inhabited planet" imply that.] They soon find themselves entangled in a world of corruption and deception [deceit?] after stumbling upon a discovery that could lead to the destruction of mankind. [Perhaps turn this around - "After stumbling upon a discovery... they soon find themselves entangled..."]
But this is not the only thing that troubles Mark. He is torn between his life with his brother and pursuing a new path as he confronts something his years of training by his widowed father never prepared him for: love.
Mark was not looking for love when he met Karen under dire circumstances, but an immediate spark snaps them together. Overwhelmed at first by her beauty, Mark has no idea about her past or what she is hiding from him. He soon discovers that her love comes with a price. A price that he may pay his life for. ["And that price may be his life"?]
As the trio finds themselves in danger from unidentified assailants, [vague] Mark unearths dark and sinister secrets about Karen that can [could] topple one of the largest criminal empires in the galaxy, a secret [one secret or more than one?] that people will stop at nothing to secure. But while they try to survive, greater forces are brooding in the darkness…
The Darkness Rising [vague title, which also sounds too close to "The Dark Is Rising," a well-known young adult fantasy] is my first novel of a trilogy, [I've heard differing opinions on whether you should say up-front that you want it to be part 1 of a series, or wait until he's accepted it.] finished at 58,000 words after several large cuts and revisions. [You shouldn't need to say you've cut and revised it. The agent expects you to make it as good as you know how before you submit it. If it still needs a lot of editing, he won't offer to represent it.] It is a Science Fiction/Romance novel. I am sixteen. [You don't need to tell him your age at first. If he offers to represent you, you'll need an adult to sign any contracts for you. He won't go any easier on you because you're not an adult. To stand any chance in the marketplace, you need to write at the same sort of level as all the other writers out there. If the agent can tell from your writing that you're not an adult, he won't offer to represent you.]
EDIT: classmate has a good point about a lot of the letter being generic. Try to work in more specifics about the characters and the problems they face. What makes this book different from the million other sci-fi/romance novels that are already out there?
EDIT 2: Getting better. Post it again as a new question. Not many people come back to look at questions from a couple of days ago.
Do not mention your age in the query. Based on the rest of your letter, any savvy, seasoned agent will be able to make a pretty shrewd educated guess about your approximate age and the extent of your writing experience.
This sentence is one example of what's wrong with your query: "They soon find themselves entangled in a world of corruption and deception after stumbling upon a discovery that could lead to the destruction of mankind." That's incredibly generic. It's not badly written, but it doesn't say anything that might distinguish your story from a million others. No good agent will be interested unless you offer something with much more specific detail than that.
It's lovely well. I would not restrict your self to 60,000 phrases, except you will have already written it and it's 60,000 phrases. It will have to be Dear Reader, or whatever like that. It's well. =)
You should talk about why people would buy it and more about you, and place it in the beginning.