I don't want to die, but I feel as if there's no other option for me. All I do is mess up, and I know people say it's okay to make mistakes, but that is all I ever do. I'm just taking up space and living a meaningless life.

I've felt lonely for awhile. Awhile meaning most of my life. It's not that I mind being lonely, I just mind never knowing why. I'm always depressed and can never seem to feel that I have purpose in my life. I'm involved in many clubs and activities, I have two great suite mates yet somehow I feel so isolated. I've never dated anyone, but came close last year only to be heartbroken. I feel like an idiot for ever believing that I had a chance at "love."

My one suite mate became my best friend. Now that I have two suite mates, I feel like I've been replaced by my second roommate and my "best friend" no longer cares about me. They both drink and smoke weed for fun, and those were things I never got into because I've always tried to maintain a healthy lifestyle free of anything that could potentially get me into trouble if I were caught.

I've done everything to prevent feeling like a failure, and yet I honestly just don't seem to care anymore. I have no luck, for example my paper that I just spent three hours writing got deleted because my laptop shut itself down in the middle of writing it.

It's obvious people think I'm boring because I'm a bit quiet and reserved, although when I'm comfortable around you I'm just as involved in a conversation as anyone else. That's why hanging out in our group of friends doesn't really work for me, because they all like to drink and smoke and I'm ignored in the corner because I'm the sober one who they couldn't care less about. Surrounding myself with them bores me because we don't share similar interests and even though they're great people, I just feel like hanging out 24/7 is a waste of my time when I could be doing more constructive things.

What I struggle with most is comparing myself to others because I always feel left behind. I used to suffer from a minor eating disorder and now I'm fully recovered, but my roommate is developing the same habits that I used to have and it's making me insane knowing that she can lose weight so quickly by starving herself and I'm still at my average body type size trying to live the healthy life while she draws all the attention from guys, and being proud of herself for getting so skinny.

My roommate also has been putting herself first after a string of "hooking up" with guys. She's trying to respect herself but I can't seem to get over the fact that she'd still hook up with any guy if she had the chance and believed he liked her. I've never had sex and if I did I'd want it to be with someone who respected me and preferably was in a relationship with.

I'm just ranting I guess but I'm so sick of waking up each day only to find out how much further I've been left behind. It seems like my life hasn't proved any great significance yet and I don't know what to do. My family is so negative so visiting home isn't a positive experience for me. I exercise, eat right, study, get involved, and try so hard but no matter what I do I never see positive results. Everything I do leads to feeling like my existence was a mistake.