My DIL acts like I am an intruder in her life. She wants her mom, ber bestfriend and her mom to be a clique and treat me like I don't belong or have a right to be part of their group. Actually I could not care less, but I do want to see my grandchildren so I must tolerate the schoolyard shananagans, such as my DOL and her friend's mom ask me questions then giggle (I'm in my 50's so this feels strange, especially since professionally I am very well respected) and later I am told by my GD they created some lie about me, which my GD asks whether it is true versus why her mom and other's say those things when I am not around (my GD is like a tape recorder with no reservations or filtering system!).
Other than wanting to be with my GD, I think it is hurtful, but I wouldn't really care, but since my DIL uses her lies to pick fights with my son and threaten him if he does not keep us apart, I am wondering why she feels I have to be totally eliminated from their life.
I literally have never given her any reason to dislaike me. I had taken an interest in her life, helped her financially when ever needed and I constanly compliment how pretty she looks and whenever she does something like put toether a children'party, I compliment her efforts.
And oddly, she wants me eliminated, but are currently angry because they had to pay for the food of their last party and do the cooking (I felt that since I was unwelcomed in their home and she was just tolerating me for this party, I should stay back and not buy all the food and do all the preparations and I informed my son well in advance- weeks before the party I asked would you like me to cook anything for the party. Both went silent on the phone and my son studdered saying ... yeah how bout yer potato salad?)
What can I do to manage my hurt feelings and not react when his wife says and does curel things to me and demands my son chose between her and me? (My son would never do that to her! He does not agree with her mother demanding he convert to her religion, which he decided to become athiest to get her to leave him alone, but he does whatever her parent want- he fixes their rented apartments free of charge, travels with them even when he doesn't want to, and is always respectful of them).
Update:Kumorifo, Thank you. I am beginning to realize that because I let others walk on me, there is no reason for them not to. I do need to be stronger and command respect. I am learning that my behavior impacts how others treat me and if I have no respect for myself, no one else will either.
Answers & Comments
Verified answer
Start off by having a good chat with your son, alone, without her present, and tell him how you feel, and how much you hurt. It seems to me that all you want is to be a part of their family, even if it isn't directly involving you in their day-to-day lives. And since your son and your granddaughter are your family, you have that right. Let him know how painful it is when you hear things about you being made the bad person, how much it hurts about being closed off, how you feel when it seems you can't do anything right for her.
I think your son does love you, and he may be scared of losing his wife and/or his daughter, but that does not give him a reason to treat you like this, or condone such treatment. And I have a feeling talking with him may hammer home to him how sad you are about this whole ordeal.
Best of luck, I hope things work out for you. Nobody deserves this.