my parents are so ignorant and disrespectful...its horrible....i just cant take it anymore. all my life, they have judged EVERY single person ive been friends with, dated, worked with, etc. in high school, one of my best friends was black. they wouldnt allow her over the house. i used to almost be in tears over my frustration with this. some of my other friends, they would dislike them and judge them if their parents were divorced, saying "they some from a bad family! so that means theyre bad! stay away from them!". they also would look down on people who dont have a lot of money. if i had a friend who lived in an apartment instead of a big house, they would make fun of them.
Now, i am almost 22, and still dealing with this. Ive been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. and i can say this honestly- we have never fought and disrespected each other. we are both loving and caring to eachother, and no one has ever made me as happy as he has. my parents told me if i ever try to marry him, they will kill him. they refuse to meet his family. why? because they are not italian like us. they told me if i dont start dating an italian, they will never speak to me again. they also say "your man is a piece of s***. he doesnt come from money, his family is pathetic" what kind of thing is this to say????
i am so upset about how they are, i dont know what to do. should i never talk to them? should i leave the state and just pretend im not their daughter?
Update:i just wanted to add i am very good to my parents...respectful...i take care of my younger brother and sister and do a lot for the family....already my 12 year old sister has come crying to me that our parents are talking badly about her friends at school. its horrible...
Answers & Comments
Verified answer
poison them :)
I'm sorry for your delimia. You have choices now that your didn't have when you were younger but just understand they come at restrictions and these restrictions can come back to haunt you later in life. What do I mean by this?
Your first choice is to abide by your parents wishes and don't date anyone that they haven't approved of, meaning rich Italian white men. This means you lose the man you may possibly have as a soul mate and your true love and may never find true love with your parents choice. They will be happy but you will be miserable.
Your next choice is to ignore their ignorant comments and stay with this young man. You can still visit them but if your relationship ends in marriage you can invite them and if they choice not to attend that is their problem or don't invite them. This solution can cause problems in a marriage because you will have the underlying feeling your parents don't approve and your spouse will always feel the hatred as an alienation. If you choice this you will need to remember that when you disagree with your spouse NEVER go to your parents as they will use it as fuel to ignite an end to the marriage. When you have kids your parents may not accept them. It will be hurtful to you and the kids but it can happen. If they do accept the kids you will have trouble during holidays when your spouse is either ridiculed during visits or told to stay home. You will need to choice between him or your parents and this will add friction.
The third choice is to completely cut your parents out of your life. Although it may never become a problem you may someday regret having to do this, especially if you break up with your spouse someday. (It happens even to couples that are extremely happy in the beginning.) Your parents may never want to accept you back, especially if their are children.
I wish you the best in your decision but it is not an easy one to make.
My own opinion is give them an ultimatum, either they accept your boyfriend and refrain from their racist negative comments or lose their daughter. Tell them they can go to counseling if they want but they are hurting you with their remarks and if they truly care about you they will stop the hate.
If you haven't moved out on your own yet, do so as soon as possible. Keep an arm's distance from your parents and if you talk on the phone, as soon as they start putting you or anyone else down, cut the conversation short.
If you decide to marry your guy, you may have to do so without your family present. This may be preferable to having a war erupt at your reception.
Grandchildren may soften them a bit, but if they're still as racist and judgemental as ever, you may want to stick around when you take your kids to visit them, and cut the visit short if your parents start acting up.
You'll NEVER change them, so don't waste your energy trying. I know it sounds difficult, but try to love them in spite of their ways.
My grandfathers were both very racist and both my Dad and Mom (and my grandfathers' other children) pretty much cut off most contact with them. My uncle, my aunt and my cousin all married black people. They simply discontinued all contact with their father/grandfather. Their father (my mother's stepfather) mellowed somewhat much later on, but the damage was too irreparable.
If you want support from your family, hon, you are not going to get it so decide now. You won't be forgiven, even if you later divorce. Any children you have with that person will also not be tolerated and you certainly don't want them to have to bear the ire of your parents. Find other supportive people in your life and move on. Some parents are well and truly creepy and undeserving of children. Let them rot.
you are NOT the only one;; all people do not feel like you, just as your parents don't see the same things as you;; they already had a predisposed facsimile of your life (as it was suppose to be in their eyes);; don't worry, they'll adjust;; you need to not take their threats & opinions so seriously;; that way they'll also realize they are not going to "change your mind";; this has happened for many generations before you & will keep lingering for many generations in the future (unfotunately);; all you can do is follow your heart;; whether it takes you toward family, or toward your "love";; it's up to you;; but you really mentioned MORE about your family than your "love", so he just might not be the one for you;; my grandmother was the same way;; absolutley wonderful italian woman from italy, came to this country;; I found out when I was 15 that my parents eloped because of this;; ended up my dad grew old to be JUST LIKE HER;; I still cannot understand it;; you would think coming from a prejudiced in-law, he would have an undivided temperament regarding anything to do with race, nationality, religion, but no;; any way ya look @ this, our family is still undivided;; we are still very close & everyone understands & respects everyone's opinions, we just don't live by others opinions;; your parents will adjust!! you just need to make sure HE is the one worth the argument...good luck!!
I'm going to change my answer.
I think it's pretty obvious what you think we were going to say. You know what you have to do. I know your probably just seeking enforcement from us since you can't go to your parents, but you should really take it all into consideration. Instead of what I hope your not trying to do, which is for us just to tell you your parents are horrible.
My best advice is to be smart about all of this. If your going to leave, which I suggest you do, plan it out. Where are you going to live? Do you have a job ready for you? College? Don't ruin your life out of anger for your parents. Will staying with them be a better choice for you?
sorry 4 what ur going through thats sooo sad my best friend was italian im black her mother & grandmother was the same way but i didnt care she still was my sidekick she always use 2 fight wit her mothwer over me but i never let her mother disrespect me i wasnt going 2 stand 4 that i told her mother off 1 day cuz she use 2 try and look down on me so i told her off got tired of her **** ur parents are real sad this is 2009 tell them 2 get wit it u need 2 lead ur own life make ur self happy thats what matters let god deal wit them
My mother is also pretty disrespectful of other races other than whites, but since I started dating my asian boyfriend two years ago, she's grown to like him and actually loves him now! So- Just go on and do what you want. Your family is USUALLY the only people you can go back to/fall back on, but it sounds like this isn't the case with yours. I feel like if you keep doing what you want(dating who you want) long enough, then they will take notice that since he's good enough for you then he must be "pretty alright" and learn to deal.
Hope that's some encouragement.
Sorry but i think your parent are the kind of people that make this world so difficult. If you are 22 they are nobody to tell you who to marry and if them being like that is more important than talking to their own daughter I would be ashamed of them and leave as soon as possible not to mention never talk to them either
Well i'm so sorry to hear about your situation. However, you have to live your life for yourself. Your parents lived their life. Now you have to make your own choice and path for your future. In addition never feel that you have to choose between your family and friends. Your parents have been this way for years. So don't try to change them. All change must come with time.
You're an adult and are free to move about and establish your own life. While you'd like your parents' support, you don't need it. No matter what you decide to do for yourself, explain to them how their attitudes hurt you, disrespect your life choices, and make it difficult for you to share your life with them. You can still tell them that you love them (if you do), while at the same time can't tolerate their judgmentalism and don't want to be around them. It's up to them now to decide what kind of a relationship they want to have with you and to do what's needed.