i basically feel like the mess up of my whole family. i have never really fit in anywhere in school, and i dont talk to many people my age like normal 17 year olds. im positive that i will never find love, because i dont connect with other people at all. im emotionless 90% of the time, and i never say how i feel about anything. im simply just "there". i know im going to have problems in college because i have no interests in any career field. i often find myself wishing i was just someone else. people tell me i have everything going for me. looks, talent, etc but i just see myself differently. i feel like im one of those kids who are meant to just die early and not live a full life. i have a constant guilty consious because i know have not been the best person i can be. i feel like a piece of **** that nobody should feel sorry for or trust. if i had to pick one thing that i enjoy, its drug use, and for that i feel like im below everyone else. if im not thinking about how horrible i am as a person then im thinking about drugs. i have not done cocaine in over three months and yet i think about it so much. it made me feel confident, strong, and powerful and i cant wait until i can reunite with those feelings. i probably think about drugs more than 100 times per day. in school, at home, in my sleep. its never ending. im an obsessive freak and nobody knows it. in school im labled as a drug addict, and its my fault. i have earned that name and i feel like that is my identity among my peers: the kid thats always messed up on something. my friends that i had have taken advantage of me, my money, and my home in unimaginable ways and i allowed it to happen because i thougght they were all i had. and now i dont even have them because my parents hate them and think i will relapse if im around them. looking back though, i miss them and wish i could still hang out with them. i am insanely jealous of the fact that they all party and hangout without me. but the fact of the matter is, i am one of them and it is enevidable that i will relapse. i always think to myself that as soon as i move out im going to get right back into my old habbits, and honestly i cant wait. and for that i feel completely pathetic. i just want to know if anyone out there can relate to how im feeling and can give me some advice because right now i feel like a nobody
Answers & Comments
Verified answer
Well, I am easily seduced by drugs too. If they are around I have to use them, because they do make me feel OK. It's just that the price is so high in isolation and dishonestly. I don't know how to advise you on this. You are very vulnerable, and you seem to know this about yourself. Chances are good that you will indeed be drawn back into that shadowy world of temporary well-being and pleasure. Chances are good that before you bottom out, you will have completely alienated yourself from your family and anyone who truly cares for you. Chances are good that if you don't get killed over drugs you will waste years, maybe decades of your life for nothing but some good times. So, if you want to save your life, start going to NA meetings (Narcotics Anonymous) and maybe AA too, if you also drink. There are youth groups. Call them tonight. Don't wait. I did, by the way, and got completely clean for 13 years and sober for 15. Helped me get a family, worthwhile job - in short, helped me get a life. You have to take help where you can find it.
I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I cannot relate to drug use, as drugs always scared the crap out of me, but I can completely relate to the constant guilty conscious. I was a shut in child, my drug was video games and excessive internet use. I ate awfully, my skin was all greasy from lack of sleep, and I wasn't exactly hygenic. My sisters were perfect except for me, I was the nerdy kid who never talked.
I've also known girls/guys like you who have been labeled drug addict by insensitive high school kids, who don't know what you're going through. You have to understand that you will never see these people again, and that theyre so afraid of being judged themselves that they are going to pick on you to feel better. This is all very temporary. That is, if you want it to be.
I highly reccommend seeing a therapist of some kind. I've had a few, and while they were never a magical cure, it was nice to be able to go and talk to someone that was there to listen to you and only you. A safe place, where you could let all your feelings out onto a real, unbiased human being who wanted to help. It may feel awkward at first, but that's completely normal. Also, utilise school counselors! That is, if you have good ones. They want to talk to people like you, thats what they've practiced for their entire lives.
I hope you begin to realize that no one blames you for the things you've done, and the future is always a blank slate. It won't happen overnight, but you'll find you're way (:
I had a friend just like you ..taking drugs because he's left out alone at school or anywhere !!he consumed drugs and on the first days he enjoyed it but as time passed he got addicted to it...everyone thought that he just wasted his life..but believe me now he is a manager in a bank and working well with a good salary...most importantly so many follow him to get work done..we met once, a week or two ago and he said this which I think will help you alot...some people are wanted in their early life so much but some are ignored...but in the long run they will be ahead of the ones who were needed in the past..I think you are someone similar to that...the difference is going to be that you will have the experience to fight loneliness in the future and will be used to conditions that others can't adopt to..so you have a bright future ...fight initially and you will win..
your not powerless because you made the choice to not hang out with people who party,in fact you have a lot of potental,you are a great writer,you express yourself very well on paper,you could be a reporter..also you said taking drugs made you feel powerful and more out going, theres nothing wrong with you,your just trying to find your way,dont for one minute give up on yourself because you can become more powerful than any substance,look at the man in the mirror' make that change GOD SPEED