So I just recently started to cut myself (well you can't actually call it "cutting"). But a few days ago my dad and his girlfriend (my parents are divorced) were having a huge argument (screaming, yelling) and i was locked in my bathroom. I couldn't take the screaming and i wanted to die, and i was crying so hard i thought i was going to faint. I didn't know what to do, so i took a pair of small scissors and put them on the skin of my leg (knee/calf) and started to scratch myself with it. But i was too afraid to draw actual blood. I hate myself because i'm a coward and i couldn't actually cut deep. It definitely left deep, puckered red scratches, but no blood poured out like i wanted it to. I'm so unhappy a lot of the time because I don't live or see my mom, sisters or little brother anymore. I barely even get to talk to my mom. I live with my dad and his f**king girlfriend. To top it off, I'm homeschooled, and it's not like I don't get out or i don't have friends, (because i do), it's just that i wanted the experience of going to public high school. My dad won't let me! And sometimes in the past my dad would hit me. I guess why i want cut myself now is because, when he would hit me, it felt almost good, like i was so numb. I wanted him to keep hitting me. And i know that sounds weird, but i just couldn't feel anything, so i wanted him to keep doing it. And now i want to rekindle that pain, but i want the numbness. And i'm so frustrated that i can't even really cut myself! Like WTF, so many other people are able to do it, why can't I?? Is it that i don't hurt as much as other girls? i don't see how that is.. But then i started blaming myself because i think i'm selfish that i hate my life sometimes. Like i have a nice home, town, friends and all, but inside i just ache. Even when i was a little girl i felt so lonely, like nobody really cared and no one could ever understand me. 3 years ago i lived with my mom, and it wasn't so great with her either, and sometimes i don't even know if i'm feeling the pain if felt while living with her, or the pain i'm feeling now...Sometimes i would imagine myself tearing apart my whole room and breaking/throwing everything in sight, because i have so much anger. I don't really understand why i want to hurt myself, but i just don't know how else to get my frustration out. I want to see the blood come out, but i'm such a f**king coward that i can't do it! WHY?? i just want to escape..And is it weird that sometimes i feel guilty after i scratch myself? (i also don't use a knife or scissors anymore, but i have these really sharp pair of tweezers that i use..is that weird too?? Lol) And i'm not even like "emo". I'm actually very girly sometimes ...i don't know...PLEASE someone help me?? Is anybody going through this too?
Thank you!
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I know exactly what your going through, i also cut.. not cut but more scratch. ive done allot of research and scratching is also a self hurting method! so no you also have allot of pain. I also feel guilty but it's only because you know what you're doing is wrong but you can't see another way! my parents aren't divorced but my brother hates me and hits me all the time, my mother ignores me. Lets just say i know how it feels to not be able to talk to your parents! I can't tell you why you cut, but what I can say is that after a while you will discover the reason and then you'll be able to work on the cause of the pain and not just the pain itself. I'm not gonna tell you that your crazy or that cutting isn't the way because I haven't proved that for myself! what i can tell you is that perseverance is the way that you'll find your way out of the loneliness & darkness one day. best of luck!
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I'm going to start off by saying self mutilation is NEVER the answer and the fact that you can't get enough "courage" to cut yourself means that you're still an intelligent human being. I may not be in your situation but no matter the situation is, putting yourself in harms way just Isn't going to help anything, and could put you in real danger. Have you tried teen counselling? Clearly you've got a lot of suppressed issues about your family and your resentment to your father. You need to somehow express this to someone who can give you proper medical advice. Or tell your local authority's about the abuse verbally and physically. But either way hurting yourself is NOT the answer, you need to be stronger than what you're being.
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You treat cutting as if it's something that's the same for everyone that cuts. An amount that is suitable for one person isn't the same for another. Being able to see blood does not actually make the pain less or worse. It is only a visual that lets you 'confirm' that you are hurt, and it lets you connect to the general image of a person cutting them self: knife against skin with blood.
So, you are not actually cutting (or hurting yourself) in a way that suits you, you are trying to go to the general image of cutting that suits someone else.
I am also going to address your use of stereotypes and their labels of emo. (oh god, I haven't heard that since middle school). Being 'emo' doesn't mean that you have to be all dark and depressing and a cutter. In fact, the label 'emo' and all those other middle school labels are incredibly pointless. Jock, prep, nerd, those are so pointless and I don't understand why they haven't been removed from the english language from disuse. Not every person who injures themselves is a black-wearing, eye-liner-donning cult member.
I'm not going to tell you how to deal with your life and your problems. Not everyone handles life the same. I'm just telling you to go as far as YOU want to, not some false illusion of 'emo' (of all things).
I know exactly what you are going through. Well maybe not exactly. i know how frustrating it is when people say they understand when you know no one could possibly understand, I mean im in almost exactly the same situation. I ve had a lot of trauma in my life and it always hurts so bad. In school though and in public in general I m the happy carefree girl that everyone loves, but in reality im just hiding how much it hurts. Lately i ve been crying my eyes out in the bathroom or in my room when im sure i ll be alone and trying to finally release my frustration. but i just can t draw blood. My arms and legs are covered with puffy red scretch marks but no blood. i often feel selfish for feeling this way. I have so much to be grateful for, I do have friends, parents, and a roof over my head. Others must have gone through so much more but i still feel numb and broken inside. I know this isn t a good answer to your question but i thought you d like to know that there are people who can relate to you. People like me. I believe we will get better one day. maybe in the end we wont even have to resort to (almost) cutting. Stay strong and best of luck to you
hi i am 14 years old and i used to cut 2 month ago and i stopped cuz my friends told me if u cut again we will never talk to u again when i used to cut i was afraid to cut deeply like others that used to kill me and that cuz of the fights i used to have with mom and guess what 2 days ago was my birthday i had a fight with my mom so the other day i sat alone on the balcony freezing for hole 10 hr and no one cared so i decided to cut but i was afraid to so i took a stapler and i stapled my finger but i did that slowly cuz i don't have the guts to so when blood came out it wasn't to much so i kept pressing on it so more blood can come out so i draw ed a pic with my blood i am telling u this cuz talking to someone who has the same prob can help thx for listening i hope we keep communicating cuz i have lots of things to tell u and i knw u have lots to say bye
Cutting is NEVER the answer. It is good (?) that you are afraid because it shows you don't want to. You have the common sense not to. Talk to your mother about this. She can do something. Tell her EVERYTHING.
My best friend went through the exact same thing as you. Ask your mother if you can see a psychologist they help so much. Trus me i know.
The Holy Bible Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart
ok hun you need to get some mental help. first, you need to tell someone about the way you are feeling, someone other than your dad or his girlfriend. you should probably go to the police about the physical abuse your dad did. you need to stop trying to hurt yourself. if you need someone to talk to, you can write me :) im home schooled also. just relax, learn other ways to get your aggression out, and talk to someone whos a professional.