Btw I hate the word custody, it sounds like ownership. This is hypothetical. It's a long explanation before the question. Please don't answer before reading..
So about a month ago I had an affair with a married man, and I also had a one night stand with an ex, around the same time. I am greatly ashamed and remorseful about the affair, and the one night stand. It's something I am not proud of and never want to repeat and wish I could change. I'm trying to make amends, but all I can do is apologize and repent. Now there's a chance that I could be pregnant because with both times I recall using no condom for a brief period of time. What doesn't seem a big risk to a drunk idiot, can be of great importance later on. I haven't got a test yet, but I want to know a few things, in case I am, just to know what to expect. I am terrified from both ends. The first being, that if I am pregnant by the married man, it will cause more strain on his marriage than is and I truly hope that they can mend it especially because they have kids.
The second being that my ex boyfriend, or whatever he was, wants to be involved somehow but I'm not sure how exactly. I told him I want to raise it on my own, and I said I didn't think it was a good idea for him, who is no friend of mine, to raise my child. The reason being is perfectly reasonable. I don't want to confuse the child. If I get married, I hope that man will become the father of my child, and having two dads makes no sense. The father isn't who conceived the child, it's who brings it up. Since we will not be living together, he will only be able to visit when he's not working every weekday. And since he is not married to me, I have no guarantee that he will continue to visit and not decide to one day stop saying "Well I was never really a part of the family". What if he gets remarried and has his own family? That is the reason that I did not want the married man to be involved either. They are both unavailable to be fathers. I can't expect either of them to be around all the time to love and nurture the child, as well as the mother of their child, as it should be done. And who will take care of me in the first 9 months? Not my ex that's for sure. He wants "legal rights" as he said. At first I thought he meant in order to not to have to be involved, but now I know he has this crazy notion that he can be the father. I believe a father is a husband too and they go hand in hand. His only contribution will have been having a one night stand prior to meeting the child. He will not be helping me during that. Even if he wanted to he couldn't. There's just no sense to it.
Now I am afraid from the married man's side. It seems the wife did not take too well to him admitting his affair, and she did not forgive him. She is trying very hard right now to hurt him and humiliate him rather than give him a chance. They are not divorcing, nor separating. It's very confusing and I think she's lost her mind. She told him that she wants to offer to raise my child as she assumes I don't want the responsibility. He only mentioned it once, but it's enough to send chills down my spine. I have this image in my mind of two people going to court, something I don't wish to do, and finding a legal way to take my child. I dread if I won't be able to stop it.
Please, if there are any lawyers out there, can you confirm or deny if this is a possibility? I am too scared to take the test until I can have some piece of mind. I'll find a way to deal with anything, but I just need to know this. Can you put my mind to rest? Can I get a restraining order against my ex, and will that be enough to keep him from my child? He is not a nice person, he's deeply angry and inhospitable and uncivil, even unprovoked. Can they find a reason to claim I am unfit to be a mother, and can I raise the child on my own if I wanted? I have no criminal record and I am not a drug user. I was when I was a teenager but I don't think it was on file. I am currently unemployed, but I'm sure I'll find a job soon. I can also beg for my old job back at the dry cleaners. I live with my mom, and my family is supportive and I'm sure the baby will have financial stability, as well as lots of love. I don't want to have to go to court and fight this. I don't want to fight anyone but that's what courts make it seem like. I want to know what could be done against me. I won't be able to sleep well until I do. And I would REALLY love the freedom to raise the child on my own without unwanted exes who loath me. Thank you for your patience and thought.
Update:Also, about the ex, when his speech contains enough pure irrational hate and anger, although I am not afraid of him, it is enough to give cause of fear.
Update 3:Honestly, I don't want or need child support. I have enough financial support from my family, and I will be able to support and work myself, even odd jobs that I've done so far dogwalking/ babysitting. The married man seems to be more understanding. I just hope my ex comes to his senses and looks at the big picture. He's set on "doing the noble thing" but I think he just wants to inflate his deflated ego from his previous divorce. It's not about the child. And his speech can be considered verbal abuse. On text he's said I was "stupid" "insane" that I'll "ruin the child" from being raised by an unemployed mother" and just constantly putting me down and swearing. I can ignore all of it but it makes it seem like he's going to take action and take me through unnecessary courts. I was hoping we could settle it outside, but how? Even if he was nice I wouldn't want him involved because it would give no room for a pot
Answers & Comments
Verified answer
You do not have the right to keep the child away from the father, whoever that man happens to be. Either man can take you to court and force a DNA test. It IS very unlikely that they would be given custody of the child. Visitation is unavoidable. If you do not comply with visitation they could take the baby from you for that.
I know what it seems to raise a child without a father because we have someone in the family who has gone through such circumstance. With regards to legal issues, however, I can only suggest that you find a good family lawyer. You can go through the legal process on your own, I guess, but having someone who can guide you will save you time and money. That is, assuming that you are carrying a child by the married man. There is also no need to worry that your child will be taken away from you. Again, with proper legal assistance from a good family lawyer, this would be far from happening. Good luck!
I'm not a lawyer, but I have one, myself.
I don't understand why you even mentioned anything about possibly being pregnant to anyone, without knowing if you were. If you hadn't mentioned it, you could have raised the child on your own with nobody knowing any better. And before anyone says, "wah wah wah this person should know if they have a biological child blah blah blah rant rant rant".... NEITHER situation is healthy for a child to be raised in. A broken marriage, the illegitimate, accident child,... or the one night stand, with strangers for "parents". So yes, a single mother WOULD absolutely be the healthiest situation for this child, emotionally & psychologically. However, that's not an option now, because you told these people the possibility exists.
The married man & his wife have NO legal standing to take your child from you. Not one single legal leg to stand on. Even if your drug use as a teenager was on file, it wouldn't matter. It has no bearing on now, and your ability to raise a child. I'd be more worried about the fact that you have no idea who the father is. That will surely be brought up in court, since you will need DNA testing to figure out who it is. That doesn't give the judge any legal decision making authority based solely on the baby-daddy-drama... but it does sort of bias people against you. Not that it's right, but let's be realistic, the world isn't right.
My ex-fiancee's mother was more or less raising the love child from her husband's affair, voluntarily. The woman her husband had an affair with was immature & doesn't really care to parent. She has the child some of the time, but she dumps the little girl with the wife, by choice. I don't think there are any court orders in place, though.
You will absolutely have to give visitation to the father. That is unavoidable, unless CPS found them to be unfit. Which, they'd have to do a lot for that happen.
You CANNOT get a restraining order against your ex just because he's volatile. He needs to be physically abusing you, & you need to be afraid for your life. That is what restraining orders are for. Not for manipulating child custody suits. Your ex has no right to the child, being that it's not his. But you have no legal standing to get a restraining order against him.
The bottom line is this: if you are pregnant, don't put anyone on the birth certificate aside from yourself. Otherwise, you are GIVING them legal rights that you will NEVER be able to terminate. Let the father file for their own DNA test, either out of their own pockets, or by petitioning the courts. Let them file for visitation, instead of filing all this stuff yourself. They will get visitation, once or twice a week for a couple of hours, while the baby is an infant. When they are older, they will most likely get every other weekend, & one day during the week. You would get sole physical custody, they would have shared/joint legal custody (which is just decision making), though the custodial parent has 51% of the say, non-custodial parent has 49%. And they will be ordered to pay child support. Roughly 20% of their gross income. Which may be a deterrent for the married man to file for any kind of rights. Him & his wife may not want to pay nearly a quarter of his income for another child, being that they have children to support of their own. This is why you should REFRAIN from filing ANY motions yourself. It doesn't make a difference who files first. If he files first, it does NOT give him ANY more rights than if you had filed first. Ignore the ignorant people who tell you otherwise.
I am a single mother myself, my kids are almost 11 years old, and 2 years old. I have full custody of both, & always have. My 2 year old's sperm donor has no rights. Not on the birth certificate. CPS finds him unfit to be around children, so he will never have any rights to my child. I have a lifetime/permanent restraining order against him for serious abuse & domestic violence.
With my 11 year old, I was in & out of family court with my ex for years. He had visitation for a couple years, but was a total flake & saw my son maybe once a month. Right now child support comes out of his check every week, but he hasn't seen my son in almost 3 years. He's financially there, but physically he couldn't care less.
The mother has the right to the child, in the eyes of the law. You have nothing to worry about, in regards to losing your child. YOU WILL NOT LOSE YOUR CHILD. Unemployment is irrelevant. Especially while pregnant, & for the first 2 years of the child's life. The courts have no problems with mothers being home with their children. In fact, it looks BETTER, rather than worse. It's always better for the child to be with their parent than in daycare. Living with your mother is also NOT going to work against you. You will have live-in help with an experienced mother. This also HELPS rather than HURTS. The courts care about a child being safe, fed, clean, loved, and happy. They don't care about the political correctness or educational success of the parent.