Hi(:, please answer only if you are SERIOUS. I have a LOT to say, and I need some advice.

I don't open up to people, so it's hard for me to talk about this, which is why I come to read some advice on here...

Okay, I'm a junior in high school, 16, one more year left and I am done, I'm very happy about that but -really- scared. I hate hate HATE school, just all the motions you have to go through, day after day... and dealing with all the people. School is a big stress to me, sometimes too much to handle, not even the school work, just the people in general. It's hard to get the motivation to get up out of bed, and not the normal 'oh I'm so tired' teenage bullsh^t. Literally, sadness. My friends, I love them to death. I would do ANYTHING for anyone, seriously, because it is who I am. I will be nice/like you until you give me reason to dislike you. I always put people before me, I think that's how it should go with everyone. I put everyone else first. But to everyone else, I always seem to come second. I over-analyze EVERYTHING, I can't help that. I try and try, but it always happens. I get very very moody. Most of the time, I am okay, as long as I am around people. When I am around people, I think my brain feels okay because it knows I am not alone. I get really, really attached to people, and I allow them to hurt me, not on purpose, but...I am just sensitive. BUT I don't show it, but I feel it, and (sometimes) I will hold things against people, because I want them to feel bad too. There's a lot more to that...but yeah, that's the main idea. I get mad too when people blow me off, I have abandonment issues, I have never BEEN abandoned, my life is normal, nothing has went wrong in it...But I have had a fear of being left and forgotten since I was very little-I don't know why? People underestimate me too, they think I'm not as smart as I am, and I kind of want people to see me as smart, but then again I don't. I really don't care in school most of the time, I can't focus on the REAL reason of being there-for my grade and such...But then when I see some of my scores I'll feel really dumb, thinking people will think I am stupid, and disappointed in myself, but then again I don't care. I really do feel bipolar.

And my family...they just make everything more complicated.

I did a lot of drugs this summer, just pot, it seemed to really help me. I needed an escape from life. And it helped me stay sane, because I wasn't sober... I often have anxiety attacks too...just the shakes, especially when I think of things that scare me. And love-I would blame love for a lot of my mental problems, just because I expect too much from people. And it's never what I "wanted" and I know I'm supposed to love what I have but...I get really bad anger too, bad bad... I used to hurt myself, but I stopped because I didn't want anyone to know because they will say stupid sh^t... I don't have enough space to write everything, so I'll finish up.

I love to sleep, but, I will be tired all day and as soon as I lay down I am wide awake and I drive myself insane...thinking.

--I only get into sad moods when I come home and sit by myself in my room and it turns to night time. I very rarely get really depressed around people.

I feel very low of myself, and I've tried to change my mindset because I know that's what you're supposed to do to help yourself.

I want to call the suicide hot-line, and have the ambulance come and take me to the hospital and keep me for awhile, I really think it would help, I feel so so confused and crazy, like I am loosing my mind. Maybe just to leave reality for a minute will help me...

This has been progressing since I started high school.

Please, please don't tell me it's a normal teenager thing because I know it's NOT. Teenagers go through stuff and yeah, but this is NOT normal. I feel like I won't ever get better, maybe someday I will.

I have had consoling, and when I turn of age, I will start going back, to an actual therapist. PLEASE don't tell me to talk to my parents, they honestly, won't understand. I have tried to talk to my friends, I have TRIED reaching out, but once again I come in second.

If you have something rude to say, please just don't say it because it's nothing I haven't heard, and I really can't take anymore. I am not trying to get attention, I just need personal experience from people and advice, REAL advice.

Because I feel really close to loosing it.

If you took the time to read all my non-sense, I thank you SO SO SO much, I just need to get it out there, so someone else knows, I couldn't thank you enough.

I couldn't explain everything so I hope you understand!

Thank you!!

^ I don't know why it cut off the rest of my message, I meant to say I DIDN'T ask for any of this, and I am intimidated by other people because I don't feel like I am good enough.