here are the first 2 paragraphs:
People were watching me, I knew that. They always watch me. They are scared of me. I sighed in exasperation as I turned my silver eyes to the palace windows; I was wrong, there was no-one. I am sure I was meant to be relieved at the absence of prying eyes, but I felt somewhat...scared... relieved, but frightened of the sudden power I was given, the freedom.
I had been walking aimlessly about the palace gardens for a while, and now realised I had reached the fountain of the Gods. The fountain was part of a miniature cliff face; The water poured as a steady stream down the rocks, into various amphorae that were held by life-size, gilded statues of Gods and Goddesses who were carefully placed upon various ledges in the rock, until the amphorae became full, in which case it tipped and was poured into the amphora below it, and so on and so forth, until eventually a glittering statue of Aphrodite gently tipped the remaining water into a small pool at the bottom, filled with pristine, clear water.
CONSTRUCTIVE critism would be appreciated, as well as any other comments as i want to be able to improve my writing style, i am writing it for a friend and she said to get all of the complicated stuff out of the way so during this chapter there isn't much speaking and there is alot of history and info, so i already know that it could be more interesting thanks :D
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Hmm, it's more of a stylistic difference of opinion, but in the first paragraph (especially the first three sentences), you might want to describe her feeling of being watched, rather than just saying that people are watching her... especially since it turns out that no one is watching her after all!
As for the second paragraph, you use a lot of weaker verbs, relying on adjectives and adverbs to describe things. I'd suggest strengthening those verbs to obviate the need for adverbs. Instead of "walking aimlessly," try "wandering," "strolling," etc. Instead of saying that the fountain "was" part of a miniature cliff face, say that it hung from it, or jutted out from it, or something a little stronger. Overall, just try to use "were" as little as possible.
Read this sentence aloud:
"The water poured as a steady stream down the rocks, into various amphorae that were held by life-size, gilded statues of Gods and Goddesses who were carefully placed upon various ledges in the rock, until the amphorae became full, in which case it tipped and was poured into the amphora below it, and so on and so forth, until eventually a glittering statue of Aphrodite gently tipped the remaining water into a small pool at the bottom, filled with pristine, clear water."
This is a run-on sentence. You need to cut it into smaller pieces. And, once again, try to cut back on adverbs.
Other than those things, you're off to a great start! Keep it up!
So far, so good. I like the sense of paranoia you've conveyed as well as the description of your hero's eyes as silver. Silver like a steel blade, sharp and dangerous. Frightening indeed.
The words Gods and Goddesses don't need to be capitalized, and do away with the ellipses in "somewhat....scared...".
If it were me writing this, I'd word it like this: I felt somewhat frightened by the power I was suddenly given; however, at the same time, I was exhilarated by this newly found sense of freedom.
Also, "I sighed in exasperation as I turned my silver eyes to the palace windows; I was wrong, there was no-one." should be revised into:
I sighed in exasperation as I flashed my silver eyes toward the palace windows; to my relief, no one was there.
Keep working on it. You're doing well. Revise and polish it as you go along. Use good grammar and punctuation. It makes for a smoother read. Good luck and blessings on you and your work.
This does not sound like the type of book that I typically read but it is beautifully written so far very detailed and I can see the fountains. keep up the good work