May 2021 9 65 Report
Suicidal confessional? Please any help.?

First off, I have a very challenging life. Suicide seems to be an option for me. This world isn't helping. My father committed suicide (they say he was sick) in a physchological way. The gene runs through my family. I have weight problems, I'm obsessive compulsive, I have anxiety, I don't value myself as a person, I have problems focusing. I'm angry, I also feel that I always fail. I know I don't but things I want to succedd in I fail. (ie losing weight, sports, goals, friends, family) According to physicals I'm perfectly healthy but I don't feel that way. (I'm 5'6, 203) My one goal is getting healthy my body type is an endomorph I do move around alot but I just never seem to get there. I had a extremely had past I'm still not over. It causes me to overeat over depression I guess. I wish my father was here maybe he would help me accept who I am but hes not. I would be a different person if he was. I feel sad just for the fact I don't know how to be the person he would have wanted. He wanted me to be in the NFL. I can barely suceed in every day tasks so I guess thats not going to happen. Although I do play high school football (As a freshman). I don't have the means to see a physchiatrist. Sometimes I just wish I had someone to hug or tell them I love them and mean it. Girls never come to me and I'm scared a girl will think I'm a waste of time if I ask her Obviously after reading this who would want to date me? I know I have things to offer though but I'm just so afraid. I've had some girls but they were all "long distance". I want to be normal I want to look and feel normal I feel so trapped and ugly. I'm also very indecisive. I just wish I thought someone valued me. I'm turning fifteen soon. I don't want to resort to the same fate as my father. I need help. I need ideas for change ways to better myself (yes, I've read self help books but I need a real persons opinion.) Or maybe I should just give up. I usually wouldn't tell someone this much and if I did they'd brush it off and say I'm nuts. I'm not though and this isn't even all of it. Any help? Advice? I'm drowning.

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