I'm suicidal and I've planned on taking an overdose tonight. But, it's Christmas, so that would be weird.. And, the one thing keeping me back, somewhat, is my Dad. He's probably the only one who cares about me in my life. And, I saw what happened to him when his cousin died.
My family always says how I'm the one that's a big disappointment to them, how I'm so lazy, etc. They always make me feel like ****. And, today, after many before them, my report card came, and I had two failing classes. My Dad started yelling at me, because he cares too much about my future ("I don't want you to have the same life I did!"). And, my mom seemed to think of this as an excuse to ***** at me.
I know there are friends at school, all of whom act like they care. Sure, they tell me I'm pretty, whatever. I don't care about those types of things. But, I know they're trying to be nice. I also had these friends last year that were the only ones I had actually admitted to that I was suicidal, who just happened to be the only friends that stopped talking to me this year. So, nobody knows I'm suicidal..
At school, I'm the happy, energetic type, but I'm acting. The one time I didn't act like that, everyone came to me asking me what was wrong, why I wasn't energetic, etc. And, I hate the feeling of everyone's attention on you. I don't like pity.
I know I'm being selfish. But, it's either live and be the 'shame of the family', or, die and see what's on the 'other side.'
I know this is a lame attempt at a cry for help, but if anyone can see through this retarded mask, help, please. I always have a little feeling inside like I need someone to give me a hug, but nobody at home gives hugs, and I'm on winter break, so I'm not going to see any of my 'friends' soon.
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I had tried drugs a little while ago, ~ a year, or so, ago.., and they made things a hell of a lot worse. I had taken ecstasy about 6 times, increasing the dosage each time. They felt GREAT. But, after this long time of being 'sober', I feel like crap. So, I drank a little, then started drinking a little more.. Last time I drank was two weeks ago, it was straight up Vodka. --- Some side facts (?)
Sorry, this is WAY too long.. - Lil
Answers & Comments
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I'm so sorry you've been feeling unloved for so long. The world seems overwhelming and lonely at times. I know that when you said you told someone before and now no one knows how you are feeling that you are looking for a life raft. There is an alternative to an exit plan. There are medicines that can help you to have hope. I think you are suffering from depression and you truly don't want to die. Medicating with street drugs will deepen your depression and self hate. You can go to any emergency hospital and they will help you, or a distress line. Let 2011 be a whole new way of life for you! I've lived with depression for years and if it wasn't for medication, I would not be here.
Therapy is your best bet. It sounds to me like you are having serious self esteem problems and if you feel like you want to die every day, you might want to go that extra step and talk to your parents. They can get you into therapy and try to work it out for you. Don`t give up and kill yourself, because suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Trust me, life will throw alot at you, but you must be able to fight through it and come out a better person. Focus on recovery, instead of what you are going through now. Write down your thoughts and feelings and solutions to figure out how to help yourself. When I have issues, I literally write down the problem and a list of solutions. Your mentality has to be solution oriented. As time, goes on and you figure out what you want to do in life, you will be happier and you won`t have those disturbing thoughts. You are not alone, so many people have these problems, but they are just experts at hiding their problems. I know it`s hard and you feel trapped, but you have to talk to your parents about this, that is the first step. Hope I helped and DO NOT KILL YOURSELF!!!! Good luck to you and I hope you figure out a way to straighten your life out!
I felt th exact same way and i tried to kill myself a couple of months ago but it's really not worth it, the only thing that stopped me was i realised how selfish i was being and how much i would hurt my family and friends. you will have friends that care about you, you might think they don't but deep down someone will. if you wanna talk email me at [email protected]. please think hard about your actions because it really isn't worth it, i have a whole different look on the world now than before, it really does make the pain better trust me, hope i helped xxxx
the road to depression is lined with blood and bone. and the other side sucks, cuz theres NOTHING TO DO THERE i mean, c'mon! your there forever, so after a while, it kinda SUCKS. besides, if people in your family start giving you a hard time, just ignore them. thats what i do.
drugs.
are bad. they kill your brain and your body. drinking is also bad in large quantities. many schools offer rehab programs that are discreet, so your parents dont have to know. once you get off, you'll find tht you feel a lot better.
if you dont like attention, just ignore people, and once enough time passes, they;ll ignore you too
if you want your parents off your back, just listen to them, and try to do better. in time, they'll be happy and things will start to go uphill.
anyways, my email is [email protected]
so jstu email and im glad to talk
Love,
The Love Doctor
besides, think of your dad
if you believe hes the only one who cares about you, why would you want to hurt him so? he obviously loves you if he cares about your future. he would be crushed if you just croaked. before you do anything, think of your father. think of him.
Your right suicide is very selfish because you will be gone and what about your dad he'll be there for a long while after you saying what could I have done and that would be a heck of slot worse than how your feeling right now and it seems like you just need a real nice genuine person to talk to and so if you need any one to just listen to you you can email me [email protected] I'm 14 too but please don't kill yourself PLEASE
victorianintellect is my yahoo im.
Feel free to talk, I've been down your boat.
well DONT kill yourself for starters. IM me if you want to talk, please.