my ex commited suicide?

my ex commited suicide in December we were togever when I was 14 and he was 22 I no the age difference blahblah anyway I feel guility maybe I coulda done somert he had 3 kids and a misses I wish I could turn back time he was my first love will I always feel like this?im also angry and wish hed let me kill myself with him im on citralpram

Update:

also we spoke regularey so were close friends not just exes :/ my question is will I always feel guility?

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