I feel everything's falling apart. I don't feel like talking this to anyone( in friends ). Whatever help I tried to seek from google kept giving me the same **** like listen to good songs, try to have a positive attitude, eat good food etc etc. I have read that all my life and it doesn't help. My only friend who I felt could understand me ..though I hurted her while I was angry and said things which I didn't mean but later on I tried to make things alright between us I didn't sleep the whole night and I kept saying sorry even promised her that I would improve my behaviour and she said that I am torturing her, I felt more heart broken I have increased the number of smokes I have daily from 2 to 5-8 at a time. I feel so helpless and hopeless I already have a bad education history and all my friends have moved on and doing better I feel I am no good to myself nor to my family nor to my friends. I feel like a liability. I don't want this I don't want to be a trouble for them or to anyone I want to just die peacefully for my and others sake plus I have thought about it a million times and I feel death is the only option left. I feel brain dead already and I feel so lifeless cant express in words..am just quiet. no matter what's going around I am just quiet, I feel a lot of pain but I cant express I feel a lot of anxiety. I see God often every Saturday but still doesn't help , am I just destined to suffer and end like this? why cant good things happen to me..i cry every night ,,before I go to sleep..i pray not to see the next day ..I pray not to wake up and just die in my sleep but never happens. I have cried several times in front of god ..don't know where to put my faith in.