"To enlist. To slam the door impulsively on the past, to shed everything down to my last bit of clothing, to break the pattern of my life -- that complex design I had been weaving since birth with all its dark threads...I yearned to take giant military shears to it, snap! bitten off in an instant....The war would be deadly all right. But I was used to finding something deadly in things that attracted me...."

this quote, especially the spears part, mean he wanted to enlist, right?