Verified answer

Honestly, it's not bad. Here's how it should be written. It should be indented at the beginning. => is my indent symbol

=> In Korea, by law, men have to serve at least two years in the army. If they don't, they will go to jail. Therefore, I went into the army when I was twenty-two.

=> One day, after completing hard training, the commander informed us that we could have time to do our individual works. I had planned to write letters to aquantainces, but one of our Sergents gathered people to play soccer. I did not want to play because I would be wasting the time that our commander told us we had. In the army, even if people are younger than I am, sometimes I have to be the obiedient person because they are of a higher rank than me. I did not have a choice not to play soccer even though I hate it because an order is an order.

Also you should tell which Korea, north or south. Overall fairly well written, just some grammer mistakes

In Korea, the men have to serve at least two years in the army and its a law so people can not say no unless they want to go to jail. Therefore, I went to the army when I was twenty two. One day after I completed hard training, the commander informed that we could have time to do our individual work. I planned to write letters to acquaintances. However, one of our sergeant gathered people to play soccer. I did not want to play because I did not want to waste my own time that the commander gave us. In the army,even if a person was younger than I am, sometimes I had to be obdient to the person because he/she was in a higher position than I was. I did not have choice on playing soccer. I hate to do that, but an order is an order.