I was molested as a child from about 5 yrs- 14yrs by older boys who were friends of the family. As a teen I was reckless, engaging in promiscuous behavior as well as drugs and alcohol. I ended that behavior, found a wonderful man, settled down and had 2 children.
When we were first married, I was a sexual goddess...we had fun and we were good together. Now, I avoid sexual encounters at all costs. I feel 'icky'. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I feel dirty, sometimes I fantasize about horrible things that I don't even want to be thinking of! I still love and trust my husband...this has nothing to do with him! I think it has everything to do with me and with my past sexual abuse.
WHY is my past causing problems NOW? I've been fine for years. My husband just doesn't understand because I used to be 'fun' and I used to want it all the time. He doesn't understand why I have a problem now...and neither do I.
Does anyone have any advice or any internet resources to suggest? I would love to talk to a counselor, but don't have the money to pay one!
Answers & Comments
I would say that something has triggered your past memories. Sex used to be fun and exciting, but something has made you associate consensual, loving sex with the abuse you suffered. I would definitely suggest going to see a counselor. It would be worth the money, and many practices offer a sliding scale if you don't have insurance or may at least work with you on a payment plan. He or she can help you understand why this is happening now and help you move past it. Or check out http://www.rainn.org/ . They have a hotline number and the workers have access to lots of information and resources.
Tell your husband that you don't understand what is going on either, but you that are willing to take steps to make things better. Best of luck to you.
Just understand that your husband has a right to be confused at the sudden change of behaviour.
I think you should see a counsellor first by yourself, then when you are ready, with the two of you. Are there free clinics or call centres you can use?
I'll tell you this because I am anom - but my mother was the same as you. She was abused from 4 years until she left home at 12 years old. Her sexual desires stopped suddenly, which angered my dad. We spoke about it years later - and she told me that she didn't want to feel this way, but it was because of the sexual urge he had with her (The more he wanted it, the more she started to oppose it) took her back to her abused years. It was because he "relied" on sex with her, that all the old feelings came back.
She did not seek counselling, rather spoke about it with dad, and they slowly rebuilt each others trust around the issue.
Good Luck
Is there new friends around you that might make you think of your past without being mentally aware of it.
It happened to a very good friend of mine who was rape at a young age.
Then her husband brought home this man who works with him and she started having similar problems like you are having.
But the thing was this man the husband brought home looked so much and behave so much like her abuser that she got emotionally sick until she realize why.
Take Care.
You could contact your local county human services they may be able to advise you of a local couselor who charges a sliding scale fee (the amount you pay is based on your income.) I am sorry for your situation. Just so you know your behavior and feelings are very typical for someone who has been throught that type of abuse, you are not abnormal.
Have you told your husband about this? I would tell him first about your past and that you don't have any sex drive. From there I would say see a consoler but you said you can't afford one. Maybe talk to a really good friend you trust?
ai have two sites here which may help you get past this. It could be that there was one trigger, one word or thing that he did, that struck a chord in you and that is why the change so these sites my help you connect with others who have gone through what you have. I hope one or both of them help you.
there aer pleant of free counselling services. check for one in your area at the health dept, search for counsellng services that you pay according to your income, or ask about an employee assistance program at you or your husbands job for free counselling. it is important. make it a priority.
No sex, No desire, No worry !!! right.......